#because it wasnt brain rotted enough for you

[ceasarslegion]

The leftism leaving peoples bodies when you tell them that literal terrorist organizations arent the good guys just because theyre against a bad guy

[the-s1lly-corner]

Sick!Follower!Narinder x follwer!reader

short post, really writing this down because i just got narinder as a follower and ooough the rot gets stronger- im too scared to look at the wiki out of fear of getting spoiled (at the time of writing this opening i only have narinder, i dont have any of the bishops yet, will likely be different when this posts) so idk if these are fixed traits that everyone gets but narinder for me has the sickly trait so... smirks... future note after writing the above: i have yet to get the bishops as followers yet but this idea is making my brain go nuclear so... going ahead and getting it out of my brain! notes: reader is gn and can be seen as any creature, youre both in the lambs cult, something something narinder having to adjust to a body that is susceptible to illness CWs: none

as if being made to join the lambs cult wasnt humiliating enough, he now has a body to take care of - eat, sleep, and now.. recover..

hes sick, and its possibly one of the worst feelings in the world

even more so if this is his first time getting sick ever

hes moodier than usual and sulks in his tent away from the others

dont baby him or dote on him its going to make him feel even worse that he has to depend on someone

even if the attention feels... rather nice

okay maybe... you can stay

in an odd way it reminds him of when he had his own followers- having someone going out to do stuff for you

is that a healthy way to adjust to his new life? probably not but you decide to indulge him

subconsciously leans into your hand as you take his temperature, depending on how ill he is he might let you get away with petting him... he may purr

once hes recovered he does something for you as a payment, though he doesnt say thats what it is outright

[cursedzucchini]

Well fuck me, i just spend an hour looking through my liked posts, to find that one angst Damian and Danny twins. Still didn't find it. Imma describe it lil more bellow, but if anyone knows what prompt I'm talking Abt pls tell me, imma tag it in the morning.

Prompt: Danny and Damian twins, but they hate each other. I think in the og post there were two versions, like Danny hoping Damian likes him now, but Damian tries to stab him, or both of them hating each other. I didn't take any route, i just wrote this prologue thingie. I think i might continue this, but if anyone gets inspired, feel free to add anything?

Something Abt Danny and Damian hating each other (or Damian hates Danny, Danny... Tried to survive, and later Damian regrets everything and Danny is bitter/scared of Damian) just scratches this part of my brain. Anyway yee that's all

Danyal al Ghul was gone.

His body was left to rot in some abandoded bunker. His grave empty, because Damian never bothered to bring his body back. His name deleted from every record, no failure has place between the best.

Damian didn't remember much about him. He knew his brother looked similar to him, they were twins after all. He was also pretty sure the younger one was shorter than him, though that couldn't be correct. There weren't any memories of Danyal being sick, so how could he be shorter than Damian? There was also the distinct impression of an awkward smile, but he might've mixed the memories up. Why would his twin wear such an unsure (pathetic) expression (grimace)? He was also the son of the demon, even if he was a failure. There is no such a place for weakness.

No, it must have been someone else. Damian had another clearer memory where his face was perfectly neutral. There is no reason to make such a face, if you are able to hide it.

Though that... Wasnt correct either?

Richard had recently taken to try and explain more about how their family functions. He reasoned that surely the League and Batman work diffefently, giving Damian many sound arguments. Yet he was sure the real reason for these... Lessons, was to explain more about the mundane side of things.

In one of the evenings spend arguing with the older man over the most idiotic things (if Drake was acting stupid, obviously he deserved a knife thrown at him), Damian somehow found himself talking about his annoyance, with his family uselessly emoting. How is Damian supposed to know, when they are truly proud of him, when they are truly disappointed, when they always show all of their emotions? How is he supposed to see which one is just them being weak, and which one is true?

His brother looked at him. There was pity in his eyes. And guilt. And pain. Damian wished Richard wasn't his brother.

Richard explained it. He spoke of emotions, and how they are natural, and none of them are false.

Damian didn't understand. He's not sure if understabds them now. But. If no emotions are false. And none of them make him weak. [Than why did mother taught them]

He doesn't like thinking about it.

But he hates thinking about Danyal more.

All his supposedly true emotions don't make sense. He... He feels his chest fill up with warmth when he thinks of him. He feels similar pain as when he is hungry in his chest. A strange mist falls and chokes his mind, whenever he is even reminded of his younger twin.

And there is bead of pure hatred inside his lungs, hating his crooked smile, detesting his small hands and despising his bright eyes.

[Wishing death on himself for not remembering their color. How could he forget his own twins eye color? Why does he only remembers the disgusting lightness making his stomach churn, their ugly staring at all his faults, wishing him fail]

Damian is quite sure Richard lied. There is no way all these foolish emotions are true. They don't make sense by themselves, how can they make sense mixed together? And after all they aren't strong enough to overcome hus brilliant self control, so they cannot be that true.

Or they weren't, until he caught the eye of a stranger.

A stranger with bright eyes.

With an awkward crooked smile, but other wise empty face.

A stranger with their hands playing with their shirt in obvious show of nerves

A little shorted than himself and...

A face almost the same as Damian's.

[formula-fun]

my love. today I read your venom au finally (idk why I was putting it off, probs bc I wanted to enjoy as much of it as possible before I go into venom!max brain rot). RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FIC!!!!!!! DETHRONED YOUR OWN ABO FIC FROM MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVESSSSSSSSS

in all seriousness tho, I loved it so much, max is so silly there:] he's just a big goopy lad who's obsessed with his human and I have to respect it (me too, mate, me too).

now my love, I have a question that burns me which I'm afraid I have to ask: how upset is max that he can't get his human pregnant? and does he make his indignation with charles' biology known? alternatively: mpreg? 🤲🏻? venom style mpreg? 🤲🏻🤲🏻? for me? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻? lestappen with a lil goop baby that wrecks havoc and who lives in charles' pockets? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻?

thank u for the fic mwah mwah kissing you loving you all that shabam

my LOVE! thank you sm i'm glad you liked it!! <3333 dethroning if i had words is CRAZY my evil little goo fic has come so far hashasahsah no i have so much fun writing them being silly and bullying each other in charles' brain, it's a good time!!

and im gonna write under the cut because i love this question, i have many many many thoughts. this is also gonna show how little regard i have for the source material unfortunately. but im having FUN

so i wrote a snippet a little while ago abt max's reproductive cycle because apparently this au wasnt weird enough, and basically long story short HE can get pregnant and has in the past, but symbiote babies are very vicious and hungry and their first act in life is usually either to eat their parent or be eaten. so max's parenting instincts are pretty nonexistent. they also reproduce asexually, so his mating instincts are similarly nonexistent. sort of. for a while

max is in love with everything about earth though. he loves that so many creatures instinctively care for the young of even other species, he loves that reproduction is a decision between two parties, he loves that humans devote so much of themselves to raising their young. he finds it all kind of sweet, but the weight of it didnt really click until charles found out max could have babies but was disappointed to learn they couldnt raise them and love them like humans do. its like he hadnt really considered that could even be possible for them, but once he learns there might be a way he goes all warm and soft and max is like ??

cause then max realizes all at once, like. he wants to make something with me. he wants to do the things that humans do when they raise their young, he wants to be with me forever and ever, he wants me because his oldest most ancient instinct thinks i would make a good mate and i would take good care of his babies. he wants to have sex because it feels good and he wants it to be me because he loves me, but maybe also he wants it to be me because he wants me to help him make something thats a little bit of both of us?? and welcome 2 earth alien blob max w a breeding kink

and i dont know, i would like to say they find a way around the problem eventually. maybe there's some way it works out? maybe it's some sort of nature vs nurture situation where max's babies end up being super chill because they were raised in a loving environment, or maybe symbiotes arent driven by a base urge to consume, it's just a product of their hive mind which has been silent since the civil war started. maybe any babies max has end up taking on a lot of charles' characteristics simply because charles was hosting him when they were created. it's possible they find a way around it and get a lil goo ball to call their own. maybe max almost does eat it until he feels how anguished charles is abt it, and then he looks down and registers that their baby is the same soft pink as charles' palms and eyelids and the tips of his ears, and all at once he just can't do it

but yeah definitely a lot of room here for exploration and discovery to say the least dfjskfjsdf

[2braincellslz]

I'M SO SORRY BUT I HAVE ONE MORE

billy hargrove x FEM!reader (Neil is rotting in prison btw, I can't stand him and hope he has fun in hell)

Billy drives Max to the skatepark every Wednesday afternoon

He waits in the parking lot watching her skate, he notices a girl that max sometimes talks to

He noticed max likes the girl and she is his age..

Billy starts taking max to the skatepark more and more, and letting her stay until the girl leaves

Billy falls for the girl and eventually gets the courage to ask her out

They fall in love and max and billy fight over her

"She was mine first,"

"Back off shitbird, she like me more,"

This idea wouldn't leave my brain, sorry

ME FIRST!

Billy hargrove x Fem!reader

Desc: billy and max fight over YN. That's about it.

Warning: fighting

Notes: it's a little short. Sorry-

The music in the car was blaring. When the Hargrove siblings pulled in to the park, the current song was Queen but it was shut down rather quickly.

"Alright, max." Billy said, sitting back in his seat. "Two hours tops. Go."

Max rolled her eyes and got out of the car, dropping her skate board to the ground and rolling off.

Billy turned the other way, watching as Max rode down the bowl. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, taking a few quick drags.

He could drive off and go flirt with girls at the mall, not like Neil was around to stop him, but it was starting to get redundant. He almost justified flirting with Steve in his little ice cream shop just to get some kind of new reaction. But, he had a reputation.

So he just sat there, listing to his music and humming along to whatever Freddie Mercury was singing about.

Time past. Billy as dozed off once or twice. He mess around with some of the cute girls (and boys) that walked by. He would check to male sure Max wasnt dead but honestly, it wasnt the most important thing.

Once when Billy looked up, he saw Max with this... absolutely stunning lady.

She had to be younger then Billy but older then Max.

Her (h/l) hair perfectly framed her face. Her clothes fit her in all the right was. If this was some kind of cartoon, Billy's eyes might be poking out of his head.

Max must have noticed Billy's staring because she was already in the car, sitting next to him.

"Are you ok? Its rude to stare."

Billy quickly looked over, semi shocked that he didnt see Max get in.

"What? Mind your business." Billy said, running back to look out the window. To his disappointment, she was gone.

"How old is your friend?" Billy fully turned on the car and shut off the music.

"16, two years older then me. Why?"

"Mind your business, Max." Billy repeated himself, pulling out of the parking lot while trying not to hit the dumb kids that thought it was ok to cross the road without looking.

"Oh, you like her?" Max nearly yelled.

"What dose it matter to you?"

"You arnt her type."

"Oh really? What's her type, then?"

"Me"

"Spoiled brats? You dont have a chance in hell with her."

The whole ride home continued on like that. The two siblings firing insults back and forth.

Week after week that same thing would happen. If Billy was lucky, Y/N would walk with Max to the car. On those days, Y/N and Billy would playfully flirt back and forth while Max stared daggers in to the back of Billy's head.

But today was the day. Billy had gained enough confidence to ask out the girl he had been pining for over the past weeks.

Max knew something was up when Billy didnt give her the normal 'only two hours' speech and instead got out of the car with Max.

"What are you doing?" Max asked, holding her board under her arm.

"None of your business." Billy huffed, looking over Max for a particularly girl.

"Max-ie." Yn turned the corner around the car. "Oh, Billy. Hi. I've never seen you put of your car."

"Oh, well today is a very special day." Billy smiled, leaning against his car.

"Oh, really? Whys that?" Max asked, voice laced with venom. Almost like a warning, but what was she going to do?

"Today is that day I'm going to ask YN out."

Billy glanced away from Max over to YN, who was giggling and covering her face.

"Oh really?" Yn asked. "Where were you planning on taking her?"

"A nice dinner somewhere? Maybe bring to to the pool after closing. Whatever she wants."

"I think she would enjoy a movie or dinner at enzos." Yn hummed, tapping her chin.

"I'll call her later tonight to ask about it."

"Sounds like a plan."

Billy looked back over to where Max once was but she had ran off, probably to pitty herself for having no rizz.

"Well, I wont hold you." Billy smiled back at YN and slipped in to his car.

-----------------------------------------------

After about a two and a half hours, max slid in to the seat next to Billy. She slammed the door with a loud thud.

"Hey, watch it! Dont hurt her." Billy hissed, staring up the car.

"Dont get any bight ideas with YN, Billy! I liked her first."

"Oh come on, she likes me better, shitbird."

"She dose not! She Pittys you!"

And they fought, all the way back home.

[yonpote]

I need to know why and how you were anti-phannie from 2014-2016

alright here we go i get to talk about THIS shit now.

i was generally anti-rpf at that point, and honestly? i think it was for fair enough reasons as some people were a bit too eager about showing (general) youtubers stories they wrote about them sucking and fucking their friends. i think i was also pretty high and mighty about being a somewhat oldhead phannie tbh, like ugh do these gaming-channel-only people even know about dan being super edgy and offensive 🙄 and lowkey it was a lot of subtly misogynistic "i'm not like other girls" type shit like i was sooo much better than yall cuz i hadn't watched that video (yet.)

i was generally not into these sorts of fandoms to begin with. i wasnt on the superwhopotterlock side, i was on the homestuck/dangan ronpa/anime of the month side of tumblr, if that gives you an idea of what i was like lol. around 2014-15 i was very much in a community that is kinda similar to what you might see on twitter now, where if you had any interests in media that portrayed anything problematic, that means you are in full support of that problematic thing. if dan howell said something racist in 2010, it doesn't matter that he wasn't being racist in 2015 he's still racist and liking him makes you a racist etc. and of course, rpf is included in problematic topics. if you ship real people, even if said people say they don't mind it, you are a sick pervert and you should be in the loony bin for being so depraved. and if you write or read any fiction that has immoral acts, it means you support those acts in real life too and you are trying to normalize abuse and SA (yknow as if whitecishetpatriarchy hasnt normalized that enough) and you're a danger to children and you deserve to rot in prison (yknow as if a queer person writing stories about queer people hasnt heard that one before)

now here's the real kicker. in 2015-2016 i ran a game grumps fan blog where i did talk about shipping the grumps. "wait how were you anti-rpf if-" well have you ever heard of this thing called Lying? or perhaps even, Cognitive Dissonance? i HAD to run a separate blog for this interest, because if my friends knew i consumed slashfic about arin and danny they would stop being friends with me and think im this evil horrible monster etc. genuinely that was where my brain was at, and is a little bit the reason i decided to this day, to make my phannie accounts completely separate from my main accounts.

nowadays, none of my non-phannie friends actually give a fuck and i do occasionally talk about dnp being silly gay white boys w them! at this point i dont post about em on main just out of respect like "hey im sure you dont actually want to hear about british yaoi constantly regardless of our level of friendship so i'll keep it over here okay?"

also, yeah i grew out of thinking consuming media with deplorable acts makes me deplorable. my favorite tv show is hannibal. i know its shocking, but i dont actually support serial killer cannibals. i will say, i dont fuck with "pro/anti" language with regards to what is considered "problematic" or having that be an identity marker. i think that people are free to write fiction as they please so long as its all properly tagged for people who dont enjoy that kind of content to avoid. but i also think there can be and often are problems in the way these stories are written, and yeah if all the romance stories you read growing up involve some sort of force or danger, that CAN normalize this sort of action as inherent to romance stories/real life romance. but i think thats an issue with like, society at large, and it's not on an individual fic writer to be educating teens who read their dead dove fic despite the explicit rating and tags.

TL;DR: BASICALLY. I WAS A DUMBASS KNOW-IT-ALL BUT DW I GOT BETTER.

[pricescancerstickk]

(Brain rot, Yet again. Feel free to reblog)

JOHNNY ‘SOAP’ MACTAVISH

X

Beach girl! Reader.

• When you and Johnny (Soap) first started dating, he had taken you to the beach

• He found it funny because the first time Johnny met you was..At the Beach

• Johnny found it adorable how fascinated you were with sea animals. It was so cute to him

• The reaction you had was priceless that one day when he came back home from his mission

• He had bought you many sand buckets, He knew it wasnt much and he felt bad not being able to get you something more expensive

• But the way he saw you smile when he took you to the beach (Again), he couldn't get enough of it

• He always wanted you to smile. Always, Johnny made sure to always give you affection. Even when you were outside. He was a fan of PDA to say the least

• “You having fun, Bonnie?“ Johnny knew you adored petnames alot. He made sure to address you by them

• He was so enamored by how innocent you seemed compared to him

• He simply adored Everything about you

• Johnny knew it as soon as he met you, were the love of his life

• He liked to help you collect shells and clams around the shore. Making sure to hold your hand all the way

[cyberdragoninfinity]

hi yeah i have a little more i want to add on to the Duel Links AI Characters thing. This kinda blurs the line between Headcanon and Theory tho

A really weird thing that is either brilliant subtext or me just reading in to things too hard is the progression of the AI Duelists. Not like, the release of duel worlds and stuff, or powercreep, or anything like that. I mean theres two real, defined types of AIs in Duel Links.

If you look at a lot of the DM characters... theyre fairly flat. Like yeah I know thats also true of Téa/Anzu and Mai and stuff in the show, but it applies to pretty much the entire starting roster. The most odd yet obvious example of this is, oddly enough, Yami Yugi. My mans got Nothing. Hardly shows up in events, any place he would its usually Yugi(DM) instead, and he had very few gate interactions.

Now, think about that from a lore perspective. Yami Yugi is the whole fuckin' point of this. This is the AI Kaiba set out and tried to make, wanted to fill the gay ass void in his heart see again, and he's so... bland. Uninteresting. Why?

Turns out, its because of that very reason. He was the First, of course hes gonna be worse than the others. As time went on, Kaiba got better at making the AIs. And at first, it really was him making the AIs. Let me explain.

Again, looking at the earlier characters again, something becomes obvious. These characters are bland because theyre almost... missing something. If you look at everything they say, everything they do, something clicks. Its all stuff Kaiba either heard about secondhand, or was physically present for. He made the best approximation he could, on his own, but theyre just that: approximations. Easy best example is the first ever event character, Yami Bakura. A fascinating character in Duel Links lore, simply because he's the first Self Aware AI. A big question that comes out of this is Why, and the answer I believe is rlly cool: hes not Yami Bakura. Not even close. Like yeah obviously hes an AI clone, but thats not even what I mean. Kaiba knows so little about Bakura that he couldnt even make a complete personality. He just put a kinda mischevious personality in a Bakura Costume, gave it an interest in occult and Tabletop RPG games, and told it to do its best.

But this is Seto Fucking Kaiba. He doesnt settle for that. So, he got to work on a new, better system. A System that lets him use [insert bullshit explanation here, I like "uses the collective memories of players"] to truly copy people down to their very souls. And the first few times, it goes well. It really is an exact replica... and maybe, maybe thats an issue.

Pegasus J. Crawford has been dead for years at that point, but his impact on the game and large presence make it almost obvious in hindsight. If it were anyone but Seto Kaiba, this might have been the cue to say "hey maybe this is a little fucked up and I need more control over who gets added."

However, Seto 'As the owner of a major corporation I have to do that everyday' Kaiba dont roll like that, so he just leaves the Soul Printer on to do whatever the fuck it wants, and... yeah. After that point, every other AI, along with the duel worlds, is a result of the soul printer. Maybe he should have at least limited the scope to this dimension and the egyptian afterlife tho.

Theres also an argument that its not that the soul printer wasnt ready, its that he needed a playerbase to steal the brain power off of to run said soul printer, so he whipped up the first few to get started.

...sorry i forgot just how much brain rot this game caused me and ur earlier posts got me going again ;-;

OOOHOHOHOHOO THIS IS SUPERRR SUPER GOOD STUFF and I definitely think this is picking at what's really under the hood here. Transcend Game was all about Kaiba using people's (many of which being CHILDREN'S) brainwaves to create images and experiences, so it really would not be out of his ballpark to get the system running and just leave it to do its thing while he goes off and obsesses over shit like Why Isn't The Atem AI Right. It's Not Perfect. Why Isn't It Perfect.

and now you've got the AIs themselves producing 'brainwaves' and feeding memories into the system, and that's popping More AIs into the world in turn (i.e. Yuto's and Yuya's memories being the catalyst for Shay showing up, etc.) and they're...uh. starting to get self aware!!!! SO THAT'S FUN. It's like an ouroboros feedback loop of fake memories creating fake memories creating copies of what was once someone's memories.

All cuz SOMEBODY wanted to be king of a virtual reality even though he has more money than god and better things he could be doing 🙄

[akirameta84]

*minor gore warning if the discussion of animal and human corpses as well as rotting meat disturbs you in any way. as well as technical cannibalism even if eldritch saiki isnt human

while eldritch au saiki (cough fic here) does have a hunting instict and enjoys live or fresh food, his brain actually much prefers carrion.

their trashcans all had locks quickly. even though he has telekinesis, it made it enough of a hassle that the 3 day old meat in the trash wasnt worth it anymore

his parents got used to ignoring when his room starts smelling like rotten food because he often leaves dead animals in there until theyve rotted to his liking (which is luckily soon after the smell gets bad)

though they do ask kuusuke to check through his cameras to make fully sure its only animal corpses. and it has been. hes never brought a human corpse to his house, and hasnt eaten one ever...well, actually, only that one incident, where he ate two other kids and an arm. but that was yesrs ago and he only thinks about eating people now

[youngster-monster]

I KNOW THAT THE DISCORD WIPS ARE A TRAVESTY BUT PRIOR TO THAT THE LAST TIME I OPENED A GOOGLE DOC WAS IN LIKE 2018 TO MAKE AN OC SHEET THAT AMOUNTED TO 100 WORDS AT THE VERY MOST!!!! I DID NOT REALIZE GOOGLE DOCS WAS EVEN AN OPTION I JUST USED IT FOR MY BAD CHARACTER SHEETS

also i cant in good conscience act like the discord wips were ancient history... it is with Shame that i kneel before your askbox and admit that it was in 2020 until like late 2021... after that i realized i could use google docs and now i swear on my life that my fics are organized i SWEAR

ive been hibernating since february (last fic completed let alone worked on Properly) so i am more skeletal than rotted at this point but surely . surely it will come back to me and i will go crazy again

LITERALLY IT IS SO DIFFICULT INTRODUCING CHARACTERS i tried to write oc content recently and it went so bad that i couldnt even stomach the idea of it anymore it is so DIFFICULT but fanfic? fanfic is so much Simpler in my brain. in terms of work i mean because at the point that im writing fanfic about something ive already gone so deep into the lore that i could name 8 niche quest npcs and their full backstory + all of my headcanons in the form of 300 very lengthy discord messages

oh my god. sorry but midway through this ask i just remembered that i still have something of a discord wip channel in use right now, but its not for full works and it IS for snippets. sometimes i have these little ideas in my head but theyre not good enough for a full fic so i just jot em down in a discord channel for (hopefully) later use.... the discord wips will never die

real talk? what you said about any finished work being an accomplishment makes me feel alot better about how irregular my fics are because i end up feeling guilty about how by the time my writers block is over, the fandoms are completely different .. and to be honest when you stop thinking about it it IS kind of funny because theres a. wow fanfiction and b. anime fanfiction. i wonder sometimes if people go to my page and have an aneurysm looking at the fandom list

WII RP???????? WII RP???????????? i wasnt allowed to do really anything with our wii because i was really REALLY young so perhaps this is only insane to me because i never did anything except use the wii to watch pucca in 240p but ON THE WII??????????????????

im going to be wojack pointing at the m3:r wip until the end of time and you can count on that, these two dead elves (and particularly how you write them!!!) have carved themselves into my brain and they refuse to pay rent

2021..... damn bitch you live like this!!

7 months of hibernation... you're getting preserved in a bog it's Fine. I spent a whole year writing Nothing, just rotting mostly, and now look at me ( < not normal) (writing though!)

Fanfics are so easy... and you get other people to bounce stuff off of too like if I crave content I can go yell to my friends about it. For OCs you need Context.... Lore..... who has the time!!! I mean I do I am a known oc enjoyer but still. What work

I do also have the snippet channel. And the snippet notes app. And the snippet google docs. And the snippet paper scraps. And– yeah okay I've escaped the indignity of discord wips but not that of Disorganized WIPs

I'm glad it helped! There's no such thing as 'moving on' for a fandom!!! I know anime fandoms tend to be fast moving but if you let your wip age some more you too can become 'the only person still writing this ship', and profit 😈

Listen. My parents could ground me from using my PC. They could take my DS. But by god they couldn't take away ALL the screens and if I had to point and click my way through writing a post about my sparklewolf daughter of hades then I WOULD. And did!! My wrist will never forgive me

[jaynnie-jane]

What a fucking mess. I still don't know where solid ground is. Some part of me feels more comfortable with this free fall.

I guess I had been carrying the blame with me for the past 9 months. I had been holding onto this little bundle of "not good enough".

It's an easy thing for me to believe too, it took me s LOT of self work to not hate myself for not working full time. So when the ultimatum was made, at a time when through no fault of either of ours my brain twisted in and started to die... of course I decided you must be right and that I was not good enough for you.

I know it's more complex than 15k, for both of us. It always is.

The thing is, I was already working on it. Self work looks different for everyone. I know that for me though the drive for that work has to be intrinsic. When I grabbed that little ball of not good enough, made it my own by empathising and truly understanding where you were coming from I then had one more thing to untangle, one more thing to work through when I was already full up on pychological rot.

I have spent the last 7 months trying to work out where that bundle could fit, knowing every step of the way that it didn't. And it was a wriggly little bugger too! It would constantly grow or shift. And because I had to just shove it haphazardly on the pile of mess that was already there, it's been really hard to even see what was under despite knowing that pile was growing too.

That little bundle of not good enough wasn't something I could move around like I can the others. The other piles of psychological yuck are all mine and I can get them to sort of stick together and blend a bit which helps for stability in every day life. But that little bundle stacked on top was heavy and didn't want to mesh with the rest of my junk. It would roll around because it DOES have a mind of it's own because it was not mine.

Whenever that little bundle shifted and I could see my rot pile, I would check my own pile, untangle a little bit of it which just made that little bundle roll into the hole I created by working on my own issues. And the damned bundle just kept getting bigger!

It got so big and heavy and unruly that I couldn't see my own issues, I couldn't get to them. It would just bobble around whenever I moved, constantly pushing down on me, crushing my rot, getting bigger every day while the issues under kept growing.

That little bundle wasn't mine, nor was it yours. It came from the third entity and I had not realised you had been carrying it the entire time, just like you had not realised there were things from the third entity that I had taken on and decided to carry.

For the first few months after you realised the bundle wasnt yours we played hot potato with it, each time it changed hands it got bigger and more dense. But, I ran out of the strength to throw it back when it managed to get lodged in my pile of stuff that's reserved for "you are responsible for making your partner happy". I suspect that the bundle ended up there because it felt familliar, maybe it was truly your bundle to begin with but because you had been doing a lot of self work you were able to jiggle it free and recognise it. I know you never intended it to crush me. For most people it would probably roll off but my pile of "happy partner" is just a crazy magnet for stuff like that. If I'm not being dilligent with booping it's snoot, it will catch EVERYTHING even when it wasn't even thrown for it! (No! Bad muck puppy, not your problem ball. Drop it, drop iiittt. NO, NOT THERE!! Gorram it, well, I guess that's stuck in there now. Ergh, i gotta touch it... eh I will just leave it for later.)

I feel like I threw away that bundle two days ago. Two days ago I didn't try to give it back, I just made the choice not to carry it any more. The problem though is that third entity, the thing this bundle belongs to, that entity doesn't carry stuff on its own. It's more like a support pokemon that boosts it's team but for whatever reason can't hold an item. Maybe we didn't feed it properly. The second you drop third entities items it feels rejected and it runs away. Sometimes it will try to hide with one person or the other, sometimes it just runs off. Skittish little thing.

The thing I have known to be true about this year is that were I single, I would not have been entertaining the idea of looking after a relationship pokemon. Were I single I would have done a full Jj lock-down, ONLY focus on me and what I want and need. But that wasn't the case and now my shiny, super rare pokemon has been scared away.

On the plus side my muck puppy FINALLY stopped bringing that problem ball back, though he is eyeing it off and I KNOW he wants to pick it up. I think he really misses the pokemon, he does get fed more when its around.

[the-s1lly-corner]

So... your probably allergic to honey, your mouth is too small for your teeth, your skin sometimes eats itself and overgrows back, and I believe I vaguely recall you saying you have a newely exposed nerve in your tooth that you did not notice.... I need to study you because theres no way your human

Cracks my knuckles

Allow me to offer more info

1. I dont know if I'm actuallg allergic to honey, but I think it's odd that when I eat it in any form (in food, on food, straight up, raw honey, not raw honey, ect) it ALWAYS leaves me with a sore throat that's itchy and swollen for about a week. Mouth tingles as well... oddly enough I can handle having it on my skin which ig isnt too weird since I know some allergens only become dangerous when entering the body

2. My mouth is small because of genetics there isnt really anything to it, teeth are crammed in a little tighter but it (usually) doesnt hurt... I AM worried about when my wisdom teeth come in if they do... it already sounds like a nightmare but to have it happen when my teeth are already crushing together?? No thanks! I didnt even know teeth could shift after growing until my last baby tooth was pulled- not even just to close the gap but the adult tooth that was meant to be there slowly inches to the gap. It's still under my tongue but before it was nearly in the middle of my mouth. Now its pressed against the other teeth. Fucking insane

3. I have plaque psoriasis!! It sometimes flares up whenever- usually caused by stress or impact wounds (bumps, falls, hits, ect). Its been a while since I've had a full flare up and I hope it stays that way for a little while longer!!!

4. I've got bad bad teeth. Idk if theres anything going on or what but the AFAB folk in my family on my moms side have oddly brittle teeth... tooth got a cavity, rotted, cracked, and I wasnt taken to a dentist until YEARS after the initial cavity. Dentist was working on cleaning it up to put like... I forgot what it was but hes basically filling and glue to keep everything together until we figure out what to do long term. He says the rot went so deep that he could SEE the nerve under what was left. Oddly enough it wasn't as painful as I thought itd be- sure I'd have aches and be sensitive to temperatures but it was... like baby pain. I've had worse headaches than tooth pain soooooo make with that what you will: damaged nerves or I was insanely lucky

Theres probably more stuff but my brain is being goopy <\3

I am allergic to carrots though, holding them for a few minutes makes my hands really red and itchy for a few hours. Which is WEIRD because that never used to happen before when I'd eat baby carrots as a kindergartener. I know allergies can develop later in life so??? Maybe that's what it is??

[rosegoldenatlas]

hey

having a ✨day✨

was barely able to do any work on the project that i was talking about. like its something im really exited for and want to work on and i barely had anything else getting in my way but i just couldnt bring myself to do anything (doesnt help that as part of the project i need to learn a new coding language and ive for some reason decided that i couldnt use any tutorials and had to teach myself everything, which is making the entire process FAR more painful than it needs to be)

also i went out on a little excursion with my family to drive all the way up to San Fran and visit the SFMOMA (san fransisco museum of modern art) and all the art was nice but ive seen 90% of it on our previous trips, and also my family was being annoying, and also i forgot to grab the water bottle that i rely on to stop my condition from keeping me in constant pain so that was not a pleasant experience and also the headaches from not having enough water were bad enough that i could barely focus and was basicaly stumbling around the exibit the entire time so not the most fun time

also ive been growing increasingly worried lately that my mother has like an actual medical issue messing with her brain and causing her to forget things because Ive spent time with dementia patients before and ive been noticing more and more of their behaviors in her recently (like its all very subtle but its VERY visible if your paying attntion). but every time i mention how her memory is getting worse recently she always just deflects it with a joke or says that she "just wasnt paying attention" when no something is very clearly wrong

whatever.

im going to bed early because i can tell that at this point im just rotting the longer i stay on here.

hopefully ill be more productive tomorow

hope you get some good rest too my king

sleep well

stay awesome

Hey I'm glad you got at least a little bit done on your project then, a little progress is better than no progress haha!! *frantically scrambled to hide my project that I haven't touched in two weeks but really want to work on*

All the way to the big city yeah? At least you got to look at some nice art I guess? I hope you're a bit better now, maybe like- if you usually bring bags around you could just like keep a plastic water bottle in it and whenever you throw away the trash you have to replace it? Or just keep a few waters by your door so when you leave you remember to grab one.

Oh, I'm sorry! I do hope its not anything serious, hopefully just an attention problem or something minor. I've worked with dementia patients a few times before a long time ago and its.. Its really sad. I hope your mom starts to realize something is up and at least tries the google search of doom.

Remember: Guilt over your level of productivity is a normalized social scam started by corporations to get you to work extra hard and during your times of leisure while they still pay pennies. It has been so normalized by american society that it is encouraged to continue this toxic and self destructive mentality into your time of rest and hobbies. Fuck this normalized self destructiveness driven by the desire to live this 'american dream' that stopped being possible to achieve by the lower middle class. Also the government can go to hell.

Anyways. After that lil rant:

I love you, I appreciate you, and I hope you dream of good things, sleep well My Queen

[littleslavediary]

"Doom Scrolling" Discipline

Daddy looked up my stats for apps (how long they are open) because my new phone tracks that. He got angry and said it must be inaccurate.

This is because I only have most apps open 5-20 minutes a day for a grand total of like 1 hour that I spend on my phone. Before this, he was complaining I "doom scroll" too much but the evidence didn't back up his assumption.

Then he said something else but I never heard what it was, because I got distracted by the video game we were playing and didn't hear him. For this he got extremely angry and gave me the silent treatment for a half hour.

Eventually I pointed out that the silent treatment wasnt okay to use on me (if I ever did that to him he would kill me) so he went off on a long tangent about how you can't control how other people perceive you.

This made me think about my childhood and I said "but no one has ever "perceived me" before, I've been always been invisible". And I started crying really hard and had a panic attack.

His goal seems to be to make me cry, so this seemed satisfied him. I lay crying with my head in his lap, while he stroked my hair.

He said, "You know, these are the types of conversations you are meant to have with your Father."

I cried harder and said, "A long time ago, I had to cope with never getting to experience certain things. This is one of them."

He gently grabbed my head and looked me in the eyes. "I can be your Daddy. We can do all the things you never got to do with him. What do you want to do? We can go camping or dancing."

"I would love that," I said.

"Can I be your Daddy? Would you like that?" He asked.

I gently grabbed his big muscular arm and squeezed it. My eyes, still tearful, gazed into his, "Yes, please be my Daddy. It's all I've ever wanted, more than anything else in the world."

He tried to initiate intimacy, but regretfully I was really tired from the crying and anxiety. He said it would be okay to wait until morning, but it wasn't.

Early the next morning he grabbed me in my sleep and pushed my head to his crotch. I started giving him oral, but I must have not done it with enough energy or kept dosing off so he pulled up his boxers to communicate I should stop.

Then he complained, "You go to bed earlier than me and wake up later every day but your always still more tired than me, and this is ruining our entire relationship."

I begged him to have sex with me but he said, "It's too late now, I have to go to work."

I sent him a long text apologizing and saying I would exercise more to have more energy when he gets off work, and the relationship is at peace for now.

I'm usually a really easy going, peaceful and thoughtful kind of person. I've explained to him that I don't do well with confrontation, I shutdown and get confused, and don't know what else to say. Anything I do think to say consistently makes him more angry but saying nothing makes him the most angry.

When I manage to find the words to diffuse a situation it's like winning the lottery (satisfying) but I feel like I am breaking down. Like I am more afraid to speak. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting hit hard. But saying nothing will also get me hit. So what do I do?

Anyways, going back to the beginning.

I'm glad my phone data proved that I'm not addicted to "doom scrolling" social media. I'm sad Daddy didn't believe the statistics were accurate. I should have said more about them being real so he would believe me, but I didn't want to be offensive or sound like I was "talking back" or "arguing". I am not allowed to do that, ever.

When I first came here two months ago I was much worse about "doom scrolling". However, Daddy called it "brain rot". He especially hates e-celebrity drama, which I have always found interesting. He says there are better ways to spend your time then learning about people who don't even deserve their fame.

If we are ever together and I even unlock my phone he gets pissed. And we are together half the hours every day so what did he expect? This is one of the ways he can be delusional, like projecting what he hates about strangers on to me at the slightest sign I display similar behavior.

Daddy gets very angry when I prove he made a wrong assumption about me. I have to be very careful about revealing the truth to him. When the statistics didn't meet his expectations his body language became very aggressive. I wish he would have hit me then but he hasn't been hitting me as much lately.

I need to initiate sex more and get my energy levels up for Daddy. I want to be abused more often. But I don't want the abuse to force me to show affection. I want to show affection because of how much I love and appreciate him, not because I am scared or trained into doing it.

[grechsblog]

Oof reddit. I personally dont go there (ive got enough of Torment Nexus Disposition from twitter to even entertain that and it was 5 years ago- Trauma Runs Deep) but sometimes takes from there find me and i whistle like a kettle from annoyance every time

The fact that many people consider wwx 'morally correct' (and in vacuum he is and i will not take that away from him) REALLY rots their brain. His intentions are pure but his methods are not and that is fine! It is absolutely and completely fine and actually normal in therms of the novel. It doesnt make them any less corpse-y or dead-y and the fact that he had no other choice really should underline that fact instead of being posed as an excuse

I know how to love a bastard because my fav from svsss is shen jiu and i love him because i hate him. I hate so so much. I hate that he abuses his disciplines, i hate that he abuses his power, i hate his instant denial of any good thing, i hate his grating willful inability to be anything more than a jagged cheap jewel that stains your neck when you sweat and itches if you wear it too long. And i love to hate him for that. His origins are what Really sold me on him though- because after all that abuse and disuse and hurt and pain it was logical for him to be like that.

It was, but then came silence and peace and his wishes and he no longer needed to be snappish and picky and thorny. He got accepted in the sect, into the second most powerful peak there is to exist. His needs were met. He could thrive. He had a chance to be better, to Do better and the kicker is he didnt take it. He denied it. He chose to still be an asshole because thats who he Is.

Its not exactly same with wei wuxian- because wuxian isnt a bastard nor abusive nor jealous nor a fuckass nor any other thing shen jiu is- but the consensus is that He Did Bad. He did and chose it consciously. Proudly even. He doesnt deny how ugly it is sometimes. How ugly a life is sometimes. Which fucking pisses me off like no other thing when people go 'UUUU but hes GOOD which means his every action is a Beacon of True Righteous uwu' or, objectively worse one, 'UUUUU he wasnt in his right mind so of couserse he cant be held accountable uwu'

Which brings me to the next topic: how sane he was while all of that went down

My answer is Very. Very, very sane, which is exactly why he imploded after everything

I personally think that guidao does not deteriorate a mind by itself. I think it was confirmed that Empathy might? I dont exactly remember. Its also not confirmed if Empathy is guidao or just kinda something wei wuxian knows but anyway

Guidao is a tool, not a cultivation method. Or well, not orthodox cultivation method - ergo 'invite the energy into your body' type of deal. Wwx from my understanding controls resentful energy outside his body through a conduit (chenqing or tiger tally) so as to not use his own body as a conduit. We Do however know someone who did that and that would be the nie. Nie mingjue to be exact as the most recent and most glaring example

Yes guanyao did speed it up a notch or 20, but it was Said, repeatedly, that the nie die young. They die young due to their cultivation method which is revealed to be inviting resentful energy into their body. Which leads to qi deviation, which in turn manifests into snappish moods and rage swing and hard-to-please temperament. Very similar to what wwx had going on, but only on the surface

It is said in the novel that nie mingjue was uncontrollable at his tails end. The nie clan was scared of their leader. He was irrational and mad and powerful and absolutely batshit insane to the point of scaring literally everyone including (if im not mistaken) his own brother. He was a terror up to his ultimate demise. A danger

It was a completely different story for wuxian in those months with the wens. They didnt trust him at the start- and who would trust this 2m tall hellspawn that literally killed over half of an army of someone closer to demi-god instead than human? I wouldnt! Especially after another more real hell on earth that probably killed my kid or my parent in front of my eyes just for some fucks in gold cloths sick amusement.

And yet! And yet in in time the wens grew less scared of him instead of more. They let a 4-6 year old child near him. He let that child chew on his resentful conduit and no one stopped that. Because they liked him and trusted him and Did Not Feel Unsafe in his presence. It hadnt even changed after wen qings sacrifice. They literally all had an absolute blast in burial mounds and it was The most stable time for wwx mentally. Polar opposite to nie mingjues loss of mind no?

(Speaking of that flute chewing. For some unfathomable to me reason people think its negligence on wuxians part when its clearly just highlights that chenqing itself is not dangerous. Why do they think that? Hell if i know- hes literally really good with kids or he wouldnt be made jiangs head discipline in the first place. He wouldnt just let a-yuan chew on anything even remotely dangerous. I doubt jiang fengmian and Especially madam yu wouldve overlooked something like that)

As for wangji well. His intentions Were pure but he hadnt exactly stopped to ask what the hell wwx is even doing. Didnt ask if he was hurting. It didnt even crossed his mind. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that This Is Bad You Need To Stop and no way that bullheaded idiot would listen if wuxian had explained without prompting instead

Plus all that 'come back to gusu with me' perhaps is romantic and a declaration of undying love but- wuxian literally at several points asked 'for what' and in response only got silence. He asked if it was for torture and wangji didnt reply. He asked if it was for indefinite imprisonment and wangji didnt reply. What for? What for? What for? And no answer. I really dont think he wouldve gone with him even If it was harmful- and it wasnt even that

Wei wuxian is a smart, smart man. Confident. Complex. Good. It upsets me that he gets reduced to some helpless baby because its easier that way

If one more person calls wuxians ghost path 'demonic cultivation' with no /j attached i will take arms the way nie huaisan does it (cry)

[shoezuki]

piglin techno confusing the fuck out of ranboo hcs

i jus be doin some shit sometimes n then my brain is like ‘hey think a this’ and i been tryin to type this out but my internet is so bad rn i couldnt even Open a new post what the fuck. anywayss. this ran so long. so fucking long

started with ‘i wonder how piglins act’ and now technoblade is doin some shit, ranboo is so confused, and philza is a delighted bystander who is having the time of his life

technoblade is 100% piglin. many people think he’s part human to some degree but hes Completely and Utterly piglin

most assume as much since he doesnt begin to rot in the overworld. but short answer; he’s Built Different

long answer is a blessing of the bloodgod but shhhhhh

techno never corrects anyone or talks about being piglin or Anything. he just doesnt care what other people think and assume. the only one who Knows is phil

phil had first thought it was out of some sort of shame or desire to Hide it but. yeah. no. techno jus doesnt care. build; different

although more Notable piglin traits come to like if he’s close to people

piglins are both social and anti social. kinda. they can be hugely independent, do well without ‘proper’ socialization for a Long while. but they group together for Lifetimes. once piglins find a family or friends and expend Full trust to them. its all or nothing you Cant break them up

how tommy betrayed and turned his back on techno just. its like a physical pain. once he trusted and respected him, the mere Idea of betrayal was nowhere in question. it never occurred to him

philza is now the only person that techno consciously and subconsciously considers him a part of his ‘pack’ (i cant figure out a better term but that one doesnt Fit)

techno never realizes when he acts piglin traits out towards those he trusts. he never does so in company outside of what he considers family. philza notices though.

phil tends to study and research other races and cultures a lot. he’s been around a long while, has met many people of all different backgrounds. he likes knowing and understanding what he can. its just fun too.

it mostly started when he first met techno because he wanted to figure out what the FUCK techno was doing without asking and therefore embarrassing him

but phil knows techno well. and he knows piglins well enough. and he Knows techno doesnt ever seem to be self aware of his more inhuman habits

but Phil knows. and he Notices when techno starts to consider ranboo a part of the pack

First, it’s gifts.

surprisingly, its ranboo giving techno the axe first

he wasnt there to see it. but phil might as well have been present, considering how Horrifically in depth techno ‘ranted’ to him bout it

but techno reciprocates it and Then he really starts to notice more and more

first, it was giving the enchanted apple to ranboo. sure it Technically had been swiped by techno out from under ranboo but it was still Something. techno wasnt one to give up valuables easily

then techno starts ‘complaining’ about ranboos living area. and his eating habits. phil looks away when techno smuggles golden carrots into ranboo’s shack 

eventually technoblade is crafting ranboo a cloak to match their own and he’s freaking out about ranboo’s height and his dimensions and how much cloth he’ll need but he refuses to ask ranboo and phil is holding his head in his hands

(phil forces techno to gift him the cloak in person rather than stash it under his pillow and run like he’d planned. techno bitched about it but after ranboo practically lit up, burying himself in the cloak and thanking techno so hard his throat mustve hurt, techno was so practically purring the rest of the day)

after gifts, its noises. 

techno is seemingly silent. he doesnt speak up much, moves so quietly people tend to jump when he appears. 

in reality, he talks to himself constantly. either when alone or when in phil’s company. philza knows that aspect is the ‘voices’, and also just technoblade’s tendency to fill the silence and wonder his own thoughts aloud

but the snorts, squeels, grumbles, and other sounds he makes without realizing are some phil knows are piglin

its often guttural, a noise he makes in the back of his throat that rumbles and reverberates through his bones. 

itd sound terrifying to anyone, but after years of techno trilling deep when phil enters a room, when he returns from some sort of journey, when he says hello or makes his presence known in anyway, phil realized its more like a greeting. excitement to see him. it became something sweet

long story short ranboo nearly jumped so high his head went through the ceiling when he’d first walked into the home, said hello, and some gruff purr sounded from the techno’s chest

theyd both jumped so hard, stared at each other as if they were trying to figure out what was wrong with the other 

phil was physically pained as he held back his laughter to the point he was crying. that changed the subject to him quickly

it didnt happen again for a while, but phil didnt say anything and just watched. it was too entertaining

techno would make his small squeals between breaths when he remembered something, muttered to himself, snorted and huffed even as ranboo was around

ranboo got used to it. he stopped jumping or even looking confused when techno trilled some sort of deep purr when ranboo would join them for dinner

lastly, techno was tactile

or, as tactile as he could be. techno wasnt touchy even on a great day. he was selective, reserved, would lean into phil or loop an arm over his shoulders but would never say anything about it

phil didnt question it and would just pat techno on the arm without saying a word

but. sometimes. when phil would be gone for a long time, techno would rest the entire weight of his head on phil’s shoulder, practically encapturing him, rumbling and grumbling so harsh it shook phil’s whole body

phil still wasnt certain on this one. he couldnt find much in the way of what it meant. piglin’s tended to stay with their own, and they never reunited after long periods of time because they never would dare to separate for long

 he was kind of guessing here, but the way techno would drop his shoulders and practically melt made phil think he was just missing him and wanted to confirm phil’s presence. 

it wasnt like he complained. it was sweet

ranboo had been gone a while. he was vague on why, or where. phil had a suspicion or two but ranboo kept a lot of secrets

neither techno or phil pried too far, but phil could tell it was disconcerting to techno. he was tense and kept himself almost deathly busy for two weeks

(piglin rarely if ever kept secrets from one another, phil had read once. omitting a few things here and there, maybe. but lying or deception was out of the question)

phil hadn’t been there when ranboo returned. he’d been gathering firewood after techno was insistent they completely top up all of ranboo’s stores

he’d heard the muffled growls techno made as he walked towards ranboos shack, before even seeing him. 

when phil found them techno had ranboo nearly completely obscured in his cape, and definitely he’d have been out of sight if he was any shorter. 

techno’s head was lofted heavy in the crook of ranboo’s neck, forcing ranboo to hunch with arms wrapped tight around ranboo. his arms were pinned. 

ranboo caught his eyes, looking so scattered and tired and confused and maybe even terrified. he might have spoken or maybe he just mouthed ‘help me’ but the gruff purr-like sound techno made was too loud to hear him anyways

philza shoved his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing

later that night ranboo asked phil if techno was going to kill him. phil wanted to scream

even later then, techno had admitted to phil that, yeah, okay, maybe ranboo was growing on him. phil had never felt so violent